Because I got so far behind on these posts, I am now in March still working away on finishing my month of #write31days because I WANT to finish for the sake of finishing and I WANT to keep a record of my heart in grief and love and joy. I had been post-dating the posts but I will now just post on the date I post them in real time.
Because we risk love, we risk hurt. Because we choose love and choose support and choose walking into the suffering with our loved one we are confronted with pain.
There is pain in watching your Mom suffer and die. But because she chose joy in the midst of suffering, I battle with choosing joy myself. Because she was full of grace and kindness and love and thinking of others, even up to the end, I think I can choose to practice being those things and doing those things more. Because she loved chocolate, I will always remember her when I enjoy some chocolate with my daughters, my husband, or my friends. Because she grieved her husband, my Dad, for the rest of the days of her life, in sometimes a crippling way, I want to feel all the feels, grieve all the grief, cry, shout, mourn in all the time it takes, but also choose life and joy and love and laughter in the midst of my grief.
It’s because of who my Mom was that I want to be like her, and, at the same time, not like her. I think she’d understand that. She always wanted me to learn the good from her, and allow her to propel me past the outer limits of the sky. Because I do believe she wanted more for herself. And now, in heaven, she is whole, is complete, is full to the brim and overflowing with love, joy and Jesus.