I remember after my Dad died that I felt like I had a big sign on my front and back that said something like “grieving” or “Fatherless.” I wondered, “Can people tell?” My peers at my highschool knew and our neighbours knew and it just seemed like the whole world should know that my Dad had just died.
I find that I’m feeling the same way now that my Mom has passed away. A bright neon light must shine above me with an arrow pointing at me. “It’s her!” “She’s the one!” And yet I have been able to go about and be anonymous and no one has known. No one can tell.
There’s a relief when people know, but there’s a weight that goes along with it. But when people don’t know and can’t tell the grief you carry, there’s both a freedom and a heaviness.
I don’t want the neon sign but I also don’t want this significant moment to go unnoticed when it feels like the world to me.